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I spend so much of my energy trying to please Luis and make him happy and make him want to be with me that I am absolutely horrible to everyone else around me. Luis is constantly making me cry and making me feel worthless and I'm taking it out on everyone else instead of him because my fucked up brain is still desperately seeking his love and approval. This has been going on for a few months.

We definitely will not be living together next year as much as I love our apartment. We haven't had sex in like two weeks again. I'm constantly irritable. I don't ever want to leave my room, or even be awake for that matter. His pill use has gotten out of control. He has people over all the time, he doesn't clean, he doesn't help financially. He's just too stoned and fucked up on pills and whip-its to even be a functional human being. I want so much more for myself than this.

I can't take the mind games anymore. I can't let him tell me he loves me and treat me like shit anymore. its too much. its making me crazy. like certifiably needs to be in an institution for a 'rest' crazy.

I'm thinking this is a good opportunity to apply to the peace corp or americorp and live somewhere else for a few years.

I wish thinking about all of the wonderful possibilities took away the immediate pain.


Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
life isn't fair. life isn't fair. life isn't fair. life isn't fair. life isn't fair. life isn't fair. life isn't fair. I can't wait until the end of May, my working environment will seriously be rid of a black cloud that manifests itself as a condescending, arrogant asshole.

Morning from hell.

But isn't every morning? For some reason Luis was up until after 5 this morning and kept waking me up throughout the night. Then when 7 rolled around I could not get out of bed. This equals snooze four times followed by being completely rushed. I got made because Luis wouldn't make me a cheese sandwich to take with me for lunch. He just kept trying to give me his debit card, but I really don't want to be eating out for lunch everyday. Its pretty counter-intuitive to losing weight. I lost 7 pounds in the month of January. My next weigh in is this Sat and I'm nervous because I've been pretty bad about my diet since my last weigh in. Its an on going battle. I prefer to think of it as healthy lifestyle changes rather than trying to starve myself.

Back to my morning...stressed out about cheese sandwiches. yikes, seems silly now. Then I couldn't find my netflix to take with me, then i put on a bra that I had forgotten the underwire broke in. After I clipped it and spun it around the broken wire hooked into my side and pulled. OUCH! Then I went to get my coat out of the spare bedroom, only to find the little Jewish cat pissing up against the wall. That kid, I mean cat will be the death of me I swear. meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. constantly. AND he has bladder crystals so he has to eat this REALLY expensive food indefinitely. yikes!

Anyway, Valentine's Day was good. Luis and I stayed in and I made steak, cheese fondue, and chocolate fondue with strawberries for desert. We basically just layed around and watched movies, but it was nice not having people in and out all day. Yesterday I was furloughed and Luis had off so we went to see Avatar in 3d. wow.

I want to start writing in my journal a couple of times a week. I really enjoy reading past entries and its sad that so quickely my entries are from years ago. This will be changing.

Dec. 22nd, 2009

I'm officially a UW grad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oct. 19th, 2009

exhausted. pissed off. wishing Luis would contribute more finacially. Is it fair that I work more than him and am in school? New car took a shit. fuck fuck fuck. 63 days till graduation.
If I had wanted a car (and even started saving for it), driving around for work today was enough to renew my pure hate for them. So, I guess I could go on vacation with the extra money and tell work to piss off for a week. I kind of blew up today at the end of the day because I was so sick of driving and had a killer headache, and had just dealt with traffic from this one high school getting out for an HOUR. Basically I wanted to kill everyone. I even yelled out in road rage at some woman and didn't realize her window was open. oops. Anyway, in summary, I embarrassed myself at work by crying and throwing a mini tantrum, and i hate cars.

I don't think I have a best friend

I don't think anyone I see on a day-to-day basis really gives a shit about me, which sucks. I know a lot of it has to do with me not wanting to open up, but I don't feel like I'm ever even given a chance. I feel like I know my friends a lot better than they 'know' me and its not going to change anytime soon. It depresses me immensely that I have more fun with complete strangers because they at least seem interested in talking to and getting to know me. I miss having and being around people I can talk about life with.

I've also had a headache for almost a week and a half now, and it won't go away, even after 1000mg of ibuprofen. boo hiss.

the sunday morning gospel.

Elitist bullshit about money is so goofy. And if you never have it bad, you'll probably never care about helping someone else who has it bad, or try to spare someone the pain you've already experienced. Which is probably why most wealthy people are heartless, greedy, selfish, republican fucks.
My seemingly cold-hearted father just emailed me thanking me for the birthday card I sent him. We haven't talked since Oct 31, 2003. How emotional.